What a Week!

A few days ago, I was going to write a post opening with: "I've read 1/2 of Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child; therefore, I am an expert: NOT. Oh no! What happened? Well, apparently, Alberto did not read the memo that said now that his mother is a pseudo expert that everything is supposed to be perfect. Well, it's not fair or right to blame Alberto.

On Monday, Alberto had a rough time at 4:30am which resulted in me having him sleep on top of me in the family room at 5:30am. On Tuesday, Alberto had a rough time falling asleep and then woke up at 4:30am. He finally went back down at around 5:00am. I wondered what on earth could be wrong with my little boy. Molars coming in? Was he cold? Did he have a cold? One thing that is extremely hard at this age is that toddlers have very limited language. So other than crying, pointing and maybe a little grunting, it's trial and error and lots of prayer for divine revelation.

On Wednesday, Alberto fell asleep after much begging from me a little after 9:00PM. Huh?! I will also add to this that I had a sinus headache and was a little sleep deprived. Not a good combination. So add to all of this...GUILT.

On Thursday, Alberto had his very first ever picture day!!! How cute is that? Well, he looked absolutely marvelous! And then I got the call from the daycare that he vomited all his lunch and pediasure. When I got the daycare, he had just fallen asleep. I returned when nap time was over. I felt horrible and awful that not only had my little guy been sick but someone else was there to comfort him. Oh yeah, this isn't about me.

I was convinced beyond convinced that he would go to sleep early. He was tired and now, I had a sore throat, sinus headache and a bit sleep deprived. He was visibly tired. He was yawning his way through dinner. His eyes were puffy. He was definitely ready to go to bed early. But nope...I spent an hour doing everything I knew to do to help him relax, feel safe and secure and go to sleep. Nothing worked. I felt overwhelmed and inadequate. What was going on with my little guy and where had I gone wrong? My dad came by and well, Alberto went to sleep for him. I have really tried to focus on the preciousness of that site but there was a little part of me that felt, rejected.

All of this must mean, of course, that we needed to work on our relationship. Or was this toddler behavior? And I don't mean Guat-Tot behavior (I detest that reference as I find it to be derogatory and inflammatory). I mean, do toddlers generally behave this way? Was this an attachment and bonding issue? Did I mention I was also congested at this point? And well, my judgement was also impaired so I had a #2 from MacDonald's. I already confessed to Sandy.

So, there I was on Thursday night, sleep deprived -- translates into: cranky, sore throat, sinus headache, congestion with a runny nose and feeling pretty yuck from my quarter pounder with cheese. And I couldn't sleep. So, I blog designed and that made me feel better -- it always makes me feel better!! It also helped me not worry that I had somehow failed Alberto. Mind you, the drama is a result of the sleep deprivation, congestion, sinus head ache, runny nose, regret for having had a #2 and a cough AND can't take NyQuil because I have a toddler that I must respond to if he wakes up in the middle of the night. It was this moment that I envied those that have someone else to help and be there. Not in a bad way, I just wished that maybe...It just would have made this week a little easier.

Slow forward to this weekend. This weekend I read the horrific news of the tragedy one of our fellow adoptive families experienced, http://www.azhderianfamily.blogspot.com/. So there I was at church during our praise and worship not praising and worshipping God but thinking about this family, thinking about the complexities of inter-country adoption, thinking about my parenting, and wondering if it was safe and smart to travel to Guatemala in March. Once praise and worship was over, we have the "say hello" to people. So I turned to the lady that was sitting next to me. This becomes an activity that people just do. It's a go through the motions type thing. Plus, I had a lot on my mind. And this perfect stranger says to me, "you might not understand but I sense that you are alone and worried about being alone and God wants you to know that He has heard your cries; He has not forgotten or forsaken you, and that He is going to give you more than you have ever imagined." Keep in mind, I don't go to one of those "prophetic churches". I was appreciative and received what she said, but I was also confused. It's been a long while since I felt sorry for myself for being single. And I was really thinking at that moment about things that were much more philosophical than well my "status".

I'm still not sure if it's safe to travel to Guatemala in March. I'm not sure if God is answering a begging and pleading from 3 or more years ago. But if it's from God, I'll take it.