I need a Lobotomy

I need a lobotomy. I need to cut out that part in my brain that seems to always see the good in people -- especially and mostly people who aren't or haven't been good to me.

Well, it's not that they are "bad" all the time. It's just that when they are bad -- they are really bad. And then, I suppose they decide to do something to offset the meanness. They are mean but not mean enough to walk away from.

Yeah, I know, it's called being co-dependent. And I suppose I have my rationalizations for putting up with the treatment.

Take yesterday, the day of my Epiphany, the day when I decided that I was cutting them off emotionally...

I work for my sister. That in and of itself is a bizarre dynamic. We have very different personalities. Sometimes, our behaviors do overlap. But for the most part, we are night and day. My boss, she doesn't like "different". She likes for everyone to think and be like her. So, this causes inherent conflict.

I have a lot on my plate. I am juggling a bunch of things at work as well as at home. However, when I am at work, I am at work -- when I'm not surfing the Internet (shhhh). So, she will occasionally blurt out a directive to me, and it will be filed away in the database of my brain. Usually, this system works for us.

About a month ago, she told me that she didn't trust the "web" so she didn't want the accountant to send me anything via email. Mostly cause she was sure that someone would hack into our system and know how much money she has or at least made that one month. Mind you, I do all sorts of online banking -- but I suppose those sites are secure, while our email isn't. I filed this directive in my database.

I sort of filed it pretty deeply in my database. Yesterday, I was working on financials and I was curious about some information. So, I called up the accountant and asked her to send me the income statement for August. -- OOPS!!!!! So, she emailed it to me.

Okay, I made a mistake. At this point, I was still not aware that I had made a mistake. Remember, deeply filed in the database.

So, I started going over some of those numbers with my boss. She was actually very excited and happy that I was approaching her on this rather than her having to ask (anticipating questions and actions are very important in my job -- ESP is a requirement). Everything was going very well. That was until she noticed that the little fax print wasn't on top of the sheet we were looking at.

"How did you get this?" She asked,
"Mariela sent it to me," I responded.
"How did you get this?" she said with a little more agitation.
Confused, I responded again, "Mariela sent it to me."
"NO! How did you get this? Did Mariela FAX it to you or did she EMAIL it to you?"
Database file starting to register in my brain. "She emailed it to me" I said bracing myself for what was going to come next.
"DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT THE WEB WAS NOT SAFE AND NOT TO HAVE MY FINANCIALS SENT OVER THE WEB? DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO HAVE THEM FAXED?"
"Yes."
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO FIX THIS?"
"It won't happen again."
"What are you going to do to fix this?" she asked again a little more annoyed
I wasn't quite sure why she felt the need to continue to repeat the same question. Unless perhaps, it was a guessing game as to what did she mean.
So, I deleted the email file -- just in case a hacker got into my email and would download the file.

Again:
"What are you going to do to fix this?"
Okay, three times? Not sure what she wants me to do now.
"It won't happen again." I repeat.

Keep in mind all of this is going on in front of all the other employees. I suppose I answered my question on influence. Yes, I can influence people to wear body shapers under their scrubs but I can't influence people to get their jobs done efficiently and effectively because I am being humiliated in front of them. Well, that is my tactic -- please, I don't want to get yelled at.

Then, she made me call Mariela and tell her that I made a mistake and that she was not to ever send me the information via email.

Mariela and I have been working together for 13 years. We've developed a professional friendship. She's cool. So when I placed the call, with my boss standing over me, making sure I made the call and censoring what I was saying, Mariela was "what happened?" I repeated to her that I am not allowed to ask her to email me information, In the future, she will have to fax it. If I forget and ask her to email it to me, to please disregard and to fax instead.

At that point, the phone gets pulled out of my hand and the directive is issued by my boss.

It's moments like these that I run the reality check through my head -- I have a son to support, a mortgage to pay and got to get things in order before I pick up my purse and walk out the door.

It is usually at this point, that she realizes that she crossed the line. So, she becomes softer. She talks about "light" things or tries to engage me in frivolous conversations. It's at this point, that I realize how sad and hurting she is. I realize how there is deep inside of her buried under the thick hard wall that is covered with prickly thorns is a heart that beats and longs to be loved and understood.

And that is where the lobotomy comes into play....